the road to the altar is paved with mirrors

--written February 2012--
it's funny, when people tell me that the biggest life experiences include moving, getting married, or having kids.

well, right now, i am getting married.

i am a bride (eek, it still doesn't sound like a title i've snuggled up to).  often though, i am referred to as 'my bride' by any one of the people involved with the wedding plans.  i am alina's bride, annette's bride, cean & jeremy's bride, heather's bride, ladawn's bride, i am also a mission inn bride.  this can be scary to some wedding industry insiders who aren't on the list of authorized mission inn vendors. . .

  i'll only be a bride for the next couple of months, so let's get on with my bridal business.

when i first got engaged... i received the best and most cautionary advise from none-other than my hairdresser.  she TOLD me, "when you get married: you'll really learn a lot about your friends, the people who  you thought were your rocks may very well take off on you, and others will really surprise you, and become the rocks you never knew you had"  well, i've already gone through the cycling and recycling of friends and social circles.  i do now see that i have some good friends, some really great friends, and a few peripheral friends.

what has been most interesting to me is how your friendships grow and evolve when faced with a major life change.  but what is significant is how you deal with your friends, and how you resolve yourself within these friendships.  i'm not talking about changing one's persona or attitude based on who's around... like when you temper your language around a particularly religious or conservative person.  i'm talking about how a person challenges you.

a friend will cheer you on in the good times, hold your hand in the bad times, and hold a mirror up to you when you're not being genuine and call you out.  when faced with that mirror,  it's more about you than it is about them.  a friend will love you enough to have the courage to bring to your attention that something is off.  whether it's PMS, fatigue, or just outright grumpy-ness.

---after the wedding---
but sometimes, just sometimes you're lucky enough to look at your friends and know that it has always been about the quality, and not the quantity.  my heart broke into a thousand pieces when my former best friend faded away and started to walk her own path.  i felt left behind, betrayed, unimportant.  i couldn't figure out what i had done wrong, and i couldn't remember what i had even done right. once i finally stopped beating myself up over the whole situation, i looked around and realized that we had grown up, and finally grown apart.  our similarities were no more, our shared interests became what divided us... of course i miss the good times, we had a lot of history together -- but now i know we just weren't meant to be friends forever.  as sad as that is... it's something i've struggled with.  of course it was weird to get married and SHE wasn't there, she wasn't even aware. . . but i look back and remember the great times we had, i think of her fondly, i tend to the broken pieces of my heart when they start to hurt.  and i look forward.

what i failed to realize that this incredible  man who i was lucky enough to meet 12 years ago, date for 10 years, be engaged to for a year and finally marry just a short time ago IS MY BEST FRIEND.  i was so focused on what i was loosing, i almost didn't see what i was gaining.  who else can you call with the good news, and the bad.  who else will help you out when you need it, laugh at you when something's really funny.. cry with you, share your pain.  who else will love you in times of good, times of bad, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer -- your best friend does.

expiration dates

do relationships come with an expiration date?

i understand that people will float in and out of each other's lives.  there are people who challenge you, others who teach you an invaluable lesson, and those who change your life forever.   there are even the few who are only around long enough to leave just a fingerprint on your heart. . .

lately i have a friendship that i believe has expired.   like a random condiment hiding out in the refrigerator. (you know the one, that stares at you every day... and suddenly look at the expiry date only to realize it should have been tossed out loooong ago)  oops.  

what i'm talking about is a person who was integral in my life.  someone who was around for so long that i cannot remember what life was like before, and presently i find there is life without them?  we were friends for  such a long time, we knew we'd grow old and gray together...

my confession is this:  there is a person who, i admit, i slowly grew apart from.  our most recent exchanges are merely half-hearted and passive aggressive text messages of 'call me'. . .

days have rolled into months,and it's been now so long it's embarrassing..  the other day, i wondered "hey, how is ol' so&so, i haven't heard from them"  - it was almost as if I didn't even care?

what the HELL is that?  is it the natural progression of unstable an friendship?  of a one-sided relationship?  there's no explanation, nothing to point to that reveals "yeah, there's the beginning and this is how it will end"  how does a friendship like this fizzle out?  when you just don't care enough anymore?  that you're so completely distracted by present life, daily drama, that you don't have the time to check in anymore, that you don't make the time to get in touch anymore?  is it that you simply realize that you're not walking on the same path at all? that you feel so completely disconnected by that person that you don't even know it???

to make matters worse, you start thinking "hey, i haven't heard from ol' so & so"  at just about the same moment you have realized "I haven't called, written, or contacted ol' so & so either"

ouch.

the truth hurts...

this is my confession.
i'm done with the guilt. . .  and i finally have the courage to admit this

wedding schtuff: tales from the bridal salon

so, i'm not a floofy, poofy, princess, girly bride.... but i'm open to the idea.

i am a bride!  and it's really weird to think of myself in this context.  a bride, the bride, the bride-to-be.. i'm referred to by my vendors as 'my bride', 'my lovely bride', and it's quite surreal.

i mean, i'm gonna put on the big white (haha) dress, cruise down the aisle, and finally say 'i do' to the man.  in front of god, and 100 of my closest friends.  i've been a bride for just about a year, and i'll be a bride for almost a half year more. . .

some of the best advise i've gotten has been:
"something will go wrong, so what!, this is what will make your day unique and memorable"
"someone WILL step on you, big deal!, you're taking up the whole space in the aisle"
"don't forget to eat!"

but, the best recommendation i've been given, and actually taken to heart has been "enjoy the process!"
well, let me tell you, it is really the one sound piece of advise that i can live by.   true, this is the one event in my life that will ever take this much planning, patience, grace, and time.   time is the biggest luxury, and one spent the quickest!  but, in this time, i find that i enjoy the process.
i like looking at flowers, picking out linen, tasting cake, sampling dinner items... trying on shoes, working on the dress... NOW, the only experience I did NOT under any circumstances enjoy, was the first run of dress shopping.   this was a process i could have avoided.. and here's my cautionary tale.

i went to the beautiful bridal boutique, that as a teenager, I wistfully would window show, gasping in awe at how beautiful and elegant the dresses looked.   in my twenties i would drive by the windows and think, 'one of these days'. . .   and finally in my thirties, the day came!  woo hoo, i had a ring on my finger and i was all set! i wrangled up my momma, to finally go into the shoppe.   after wading in through the tulle, organza, silk, and taffeta, we found our way to the manager.  this woman reminded me of a madame!  ordering around her staff like servants, peppering in a "honey" and a "sweetie" every other word. . .  i explained that we would like to look at the dresses and even try some on.   madame informed me that i needed an appointment, and they could see me in a couple hours, "HONee, i vill penchil you en... kome baak zen"

ok...

cut to my appointment, i waltz in among the dresses, check in a the desk.  i announce i am arrived for my appointment.  madame advises, that my 'gull' will be with me shortly, please look around!   the first rule of etiquette in a bridal shop is NOT TO TOUCH THE DRESSES.. but i didn't get that memo.  lucky me.   the dress i dared to take off the rack, was quickly snatched out of my hands, and whisked away --- poor dress, i actually never saw it again, and now that i think about it, it wasn't even IN my dressing room.  

after a couple hours of trying on soup to nuts in dresses... it was clear to me that THIS was not the experience i had been hoping for.   i did not feel pretty, ethereal, amazing, or bridal-ish.  i gave the signal to my mother, whilst wearing the heaviest article of dress known to man.   (note: when it takes 3 people to get you out of the dressing room and ONTO the platform in front of the mirror, rethink your dress)  they slapped a veil on me, and my left eyebrow started to twitch, then arch.   i made eye-contact with my mother, and tugged my right ear lobe (my universal sign for i'm nearing the end of my patience)  it was time to go!

so we went...  and later that day I found the loveliest wedding dress designer. . .  now that's a process i can enjoy.

bridal boutiques should come with warning labels on the door that state:
"you are about to strip down to your skivvies, in front of strangers"
"you will be tucked, taped, squeezed, pinched, and told you look MAH-vel-us"
"you will be expected to cry and squee, and oooh and ahhh in ridiculously overpriced polyester"
"we will not listen to you, and you cannot touch the dresses"

my guide to surviving the bridal boutique is:
shower, wear clean underwear that cover your ass...  wear pasties, under a strapless bra, and have a round of cocktails with your shopping buddy BEFORE you dare set foot into the store.

got manners?

Oh, my goodness, I cannot believe how ill-mannered we have become.    Ever try hosting a party, luncheon, or other event which requires your attendees to RSVP?  What is your success rate with this?

I was talking to a very good friend of mine the other day, who being the host-ess with the most-ess, about the lack of courtesy guests have with regards to sending a friendly reply to an RSVP request.  I really find it unacceptable and well, RUDE, that in this fantastic information age we cannot politely RSVP properly to an invitation...   eVite, Facebook events, texts.. all of these technological conveniences make it uber simple to advise your host, or hostess that:
Yes, I'll be there
No, regrettably I cannot attend
Maybe, my schedule is undecided

Failing to select any of these on an eVite is just blatantly r-u-d-e in my book.  Please bear in mind, that your host/hostess is planning the event around your attendance with provisions, food, drink, and goodies.

Take a half of a minute, and be polite remember your host thought enough to invite you -- be thoughtful and return the favor.